A question I need answered

What's the hardest thing someone has to face? Can't think of anything? I'll tell you! Not being able to trust someone you've trusted all your life. Not being able to trust the person, who not only is responsible for your life but responsible for every little happiness in it.
The person who is so important in your life that even the smallest thing he does affects you and even the smallest thing you do, affects him.
And it gets worse when you don't even understand what's going on in his head, you don't understand his intentions, don't understand his motives, his thought process. Nothing.
And this gets worse, when even when you make an effort to communicate, he refuses to communicate back. Or is it that, you have no idea how to communicate with this person?
 You just run out of things to say. No matter how hard you make an attempt to reach him, you fail again and again. And he keeps getting further and further away from you when all you're trying to do is reach him, running towards him with all your strength. Trying to make him understand what's happening and how disillusioned he is.
All you want is, the best for him. But he refuses to see it. And blames you. BLAMES YOU! He not only refuses to see this but also chooses all the wrong people as his friends. He keeps getting closer to all the wrong people who don't give a damn about him and keeps running away from the people who genuinely care about him. Keeps blaming them, keeps making them wrong, keeps getting angry at them, even cursing them, ignoring them, avoiding them, Keeps hurting them. Keeps HURTING the PEOPLE YOU LOVE, keeps hurting the people HE'S supposed to love and care about!
What do you do then? Ideally, I won't spend a minute thinking about this person twice. I would start not giving  shit too. But, what if you just can't stop loving this person. You just can't stop caring about him. What do you do? What do you do? 

I've Chosen!

Begum bagair baadshah kis kaam ka,
baadshah bagair begum kis kaam ki!

Watching khalnayak after years ... and heard this song. These two lines. They meant nothing to me when I saw it last, many years ago. But today, I can't stop thinking about these two lines. They're reaching inside me, piercing me, stirring me in ways I couldn't imagine was possible!
Isn't this, in some way, the essence of human beings, the very essence of being. After one realizes self, the only way to exist is to devote the self to that one person you choose. To the begum, to the baadshah. To the extent that one paralyzes in the absence of the one you choose. One stops existing in the absence of other. Isn't our entire lives about that, isn't the entire mankind, our entire being, the entire reason for existing is to exist for that one! Out of the many billions, just one, the one you choose!
I know some of us will laugh at this sentiment, I have laughed at it all my life. I know with two people there are problems, there are circumstances, there are issues, there are fights, conflicts, conflicts of ideas, conflicts of nature, conflicts in point of views, But right now, today, in this moment... I believe that these two lines, that these two lines and the immeasurable meaning, the unfathomable depths they carry with them.. will take me through it all.

How? Why?
Coz I've chosen! 

Land of maya

It's raining! It was raining when we arrived and it's raining again when we are leaving this madness called Pattaya! The same kind of rain. Beautiful but irritating.
I don't know what the people think about Pattaya but for me this trip was completely different from what I imagined it to be. Apart from the never ending alcoholism, the mad dancing to 'honey singh' in the hotel, the all night dancing to rock music in the Rock bars. the walks on walking street, the lazy days spent at the beach  ordering drinks and barbequed food while watching the sunset and the huge "Pattaya city" sign change colors, the uncountable foot massages, head & shoulder massages, and the turkish icecream guy, there is more.
It's something that makes me happy and sad at the same time. I can't quite place a finger on it but I'm wondering if it's the absolute beauty of this place, or the openness of people, readily asking for "boom-boom" or watching "model" shows with family and kids, or how it looks completely different during the day and then transforms during the night.
Or is it me, how for the first time I totally disconnected from the world. There was no worry about work, or the upcoming "biggest" day of my life, no calls made home or anywhere else. No one to call after reaching home, or no one to tell where I'm going, what am I doing. Not even the "Are you all right? Had food?" calls from mom. Was this absolute freedom? I don't yet know whether I'm in love with it or am I absolutely terrified of it. I guess I'll know in time. I guess I will be able to figure out the madness that is Pattaya!
For now, I'm enjoying the drive back to Bangkok, the beautiful yet irritating rain, the music in my headphones, the gorgeous view and the strange happy sad feeling in my heart.

Memories and madness,
Highs & Lows,
Drowsy days and bright nights
Of loud cheers and petty fights,

A Turkish man with an ice-cream cone,
Who won't let you touch it, till he's done!
Of old friendships growing strong,
Of new friends made who were quickly gone,

Lazy beaches with golden sands,
Different beers from different lands
Of 'Hollywood' and it's craziness,
Of fishy food that's a stinking mess.

A thousand thoughts but words so few,
Of pain felt, while saying "Adieu!"
A crazy dream or the land of maya,
I'll someday figure you out, Pattaya!