Murder...

Have you ever killed love? It's easy...
You're still as a stone outside but inside, there is a storm raging.. violently shaking every fiber of your being..
You're quiet but every single molecule of your body is shrieking.. violent ... silent screams..
You're composed but your insides burn, glowing white in the fires of unbearable pain..
It's what being pulled in a black hole must be like.. cosmic forces pulling you, stretching you in every direction like a divine rake.. And yet a sinking feeling in your stomach like an ocean, consuming you deep within it's dark depths.. unforgiving..
You breathe.. but each breath lasts an eternity leaving you gasping, struggling... you suffocate for eons with every helpless breath..
You're alive but it feels like a little demon has ripped open your chest and is slowly eating your heart.. one little vicious bite at a time..

And all you have to do to kill love.. is nothing.. be still.. be quiet, act normal... surrender.. while love dies... and your entire world burns in front of your closed eyes..


its easy...

DEATH

Came across these words on Facebook somewhere and realized someone penned down my thoughts for me.. 

"Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothng has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. it is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. WHat is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner, All is Well!" 

-Henry Scott Holland

A question I need answered

What's the hardest thing someone has to face? Can't think of anything? I'll tell you! Not being able to trust someone you've trusted all your life. Not being able to trust the person, who not only is responsible for your life but responsible for every little happiness in it.
The person who is so important in your life that even the smallest thing he does affects you and even the smallest thing you do, affects him.
And it gets worse when you don't even understand what's going on in his head, you don't understand his intentions, don't understand his motives, his thought process. Nothing.
And this gets worse, when even when you make an effort to communicate, he refuses to communicate back. Or is it that, you have no idea how to communicate with this person?
 You just run out of things to say. No matter how hard you make an attempt to reach him, you fail again and again. And he keeps getting further and further away from you when all you're trying to do is reach him, running towards him with all your strength. Trying to make him understand what's happening and how disillusioned he is.
All you want is, the best for him. But he refuses to see it. And blames you. BLAMES YOU! He not only refuses to see this but also chooses all the wrong people as his friends. He keeps getting closer to all the wrong people who don't give a damn about him and keeps running away from the people who genuinely care about him. Keeps blaming them, keeps making them wrong, keeps getting angry at them, even cursing them, ignoring them, avoiding them, Keeps hurting them. Keeps HURTING the PEOPLE YOU LOVE, keeps hurting the people HE'S supposed to love and care about!
What do you do then? Ideally, I won't spend a minute thinking about this person twice. I would start not giving  shit too. But, what if you just can't stop loving this person. You just can't stop caring about him. What do you do? What do you do? 

I've Chosen!

Begum bagair baadshah kis kaam ka,
baadshah bagair begum kis kaam ki!

Watching khalnayak after years ... and heard this song. These two lines. They meant nothing to me when I saw it last, many years ago. But today, I can't stop thinking about these two lines. They're reaching inside me, piercing me, stirring me in ways I couldn't imagine was possible!
Isn't this, in some way, the essence of human beings, the very essence of being. After one realizes self, the only way to exist is to devote the self to that one person you choose. To the begum, to the baadshah. To the extent that one paralyzes in the absence of the one you choose. One stops existing in the absence of other. Isn't our entire lives about that, isn't the entire mankind, our entire being, the entire reason for existing is to exist for that one! Out of the many billions, just one, the one you choose!
I know some of us will laugh at this sentiment, I have laughed at it all my life. I know with two people there are problems, there are circumstances, there are issues, there are fights, conflicts, conflicts of ideas, conflicts of nature, conflicts in point of views, But right now, today, in this moment... I believe that these two lines, that these two lines and the immeasurable meaning, the unfathomable depths they carry with them.. will take me through it all.

How? Why?
Coz I've chosen! 

Land of maya

It's raining! It was raining when we arrived and it's raining again when we are leaving this madness called Pattaya! The same kind of rain. Beautiful but irritating.
I don't know what the people think about Pattaya but for me this trip was completely different from what I imagined it to be. Apart from the never ending alcoholism, the mad dancing to 'honey singh' in the hotel, the all night dancing to rock music in the Rock bars. the walks on walking street, the lazy days spent at the beach  ordering drinks and barbequed food while watching the sunset and the huge "Pattaya city" sign change colors, the uncountable foot massages, head & shoulder massages, and the turkish icecream guy, there is more.
It's something that makes me happy and sad at the same time. I can't quite place a finger on it but I'm wondering if it's the absolute beauty of this place, or the openness of people, readily asking for "boom-boom" or watching "model" shows with family and kids, or how it looks completely different during the day and then transforms during the night.
Or is it me, how for the first time I totally disconnected from the world. There was no worry about work, or the upcoming "biggest" day of my life, no calls made home or anywhere else. No one to call after reaching home, or no one to tell where I'm going, what am I doing. Not even the "Are you all right? Had food?" calls from mom. Was this absolute freedom? I don't yet know whether I'm in love with it or am I absolutely terrified of it. I guess I'll know in time. I guess I will be able to figure out the madness that is Pattaya!
For now, I'm enjoying the drive back to Bangkok, the beautiful yet irritating rain, the music in my headphones, the gorgeous view and the strange happy sad feeling in my heart.

Memories and madness,
Highs & Lows,
Drowsy days and bright nights
Of loud cheers and petty fights,

A Turkish man with an ice-cream cone,
Who won't let you touch it, till he's done!
Of old friendships growing strong,
Of new friends made who were quickly gone,

Lazy beaches with golden sands,
Different beers from different lands
Of 'Hollywood' and it's craziness,
Of fishy food that's a stinking mess.

A thousand thoughts but words so few,
Of pain felt, while saying "Adieu!"
A crazy dream or the land of maya,
I'll someday figure you out, Pattaya!

NO... I'm not!

Almost 4 am and I'm running out of things to read or watch or put my head into. Just had that moment when you figure you've nothing left to do and you're awake in the middle of the night(or a very early morning). And it's scary. The Pause, the 10 second pause where you're just running over options in your head... what have I not done that I can do. Read every cracked article published in the last 3 months. check. Read the what-if on xkcd. check. Finished the sherlock holmes e-book you started 2 days ago. check. finished with the Cosmos by Carl Sagan you bought a month ago? check. just finished watching a movie. PSP? Don't feel like  looking at it. The Max Payne game on PS3? too lazy to get up and look for the Disc! Feeling Sleepy? Hell No!
What next. I've been having these moments lately. In one of those, I felt like talking to someone and did not know whom to call. I speak to a million people in the day but at that moment I just needed someone to be on the other side of the phone without being having to explain myself why I'm calling. For someone to just be there and not even talk. I probably just needed to know there is someone. And I could think of no one.
I don't know what this is. I'm not a lonely guy. NO...  I'm not!!!!! 

A demon, A spark and You!

Once upon a time, in a far away land,
where the night never ended and light won't last.
There was born, a little spark!

A miracle it was, for the people were scared
And the times were dark,
Hence no one dared, to call it their own.
The tiny spark, which once shone bright,
was fading down.
A demon there was, who ruled over hell!
In the darkest parts of the heart,
he claimed to dwell.
He saw the spark, went off his mark,
picked it up and took it home!

He fed it well, and let it dwell, slowly began to like it as well.
Days went by, months came and went, but in the spark there was little change.
It ate, it ate ... it ate, it ate .. but hardly was it getting well.

As the spark slowly faded, the demon now jaded,
Everything he owned, for the spark he traded.

His love, his hate, his destiny, his fate,
The souls he owned, the memories he mourned,
the castle, the kingdom, the light there never was,
the darkness he ruled, the mortals he fooled,
the power he had, to throw it all he was glad!

His only wish was to see the spark glow
someday he dreamed, he would make it a flame.

One day he woke, and saw he was alone,
with nothing left and without a throne
Since he never lost, any battles he fought
this time again he gave it a thought!

In a final attempt, he made his move
No one ever knew, what he was trying to prove,
He offered to give, his soul, his head
for the dying spark, he was ready to be dead.

And then what happened, it remained a mystery
For it never became a part of history.
The demon, the spark, were never heard of,
The land of darkness itself was gone.

A lazy sky, a selfish dawn,
the arrows of light, and the Earth, spun on!

I look around in the eyes I see,
A spark, a demon and the same misery.
I wait, I watch, to know the end,
Will the demon's dream ever come true,
Or the evil spark will eat him too????

Or Not!

charged up with so much but can't think of anything to write... It's gonna be another one of those nights I guess ... when the occasional spark of pent up creativity is gonna die out its unnatural death .. when I will not express .. and just keep on doing my same old dreary work thing .. am just gonna sit and stare at my screen .. actually three of them .. and sit the entire night out ..

Coz sleep is far away .. and I'm wandering into the dark shadowy lanes of the past .. not past enough to be filled with bright yellow sunshine .. but the never ending labyrinth of crimson .. Have I really found a way out? Or have I left something behind .. and I keep revisiting it ... to find that thing .. I have no idea .. what it is .. but it must be something important .. coz I'm desperate to get it back .. desperate to restore it ... and sometimes more than me .. I feel its the people around me who need it .. but why? what is it anyway?

Is it hope .. that lie we tell ourselves in our deepest of despair to let it pass ... to go on .. to survive

or belief ... in something bigger than us .. that keeps us strong in the most challenging of times ..

or is it love .. the perfect impossibility .. which is misunderstood and abused by more people than got killed in religious wars of all time .. the highest state of a human being .. of all human beings .. as they are meant to be .. strong, elegant, proud, capable, beautiful, impossibly innocent, pure & perfect... Just perfect

Paths ... and more paths ... and choices .. Choices I can't make .. Choices that scare me and attract me at the same time .. choices that will eventually kill me ... or will make me immortal .. choices that will destroy me .. or will give me salvation ... choices .. choices and more choices .. some leading to perdition .. and some to my destiny ... Destiny.. what is Destiny? Funny word .. aint it ? Abstract .. just like God .. and ghosts .. mysterious beyond measure .. and powerful beyond imagination .. and yet so fickle .. can take any shape you want to give it .. can take any form .. can be explained in your choice of words .. or not .. feeding on our weakness .. on our fears .. and on us eventually ..

Ok ... I think I'm tired now .. and absolutely not in a mood to write .. so!

Only You!

"only u can make something so ugly this beautiful....

something so deep this light, nd sumthing as serious this subtle.."

- quoted by a friend for urs truly !

Memory Lane

This silent night, this night like few

I sit and write , a poem new

About 'ol friends, and new friends too

Memories good and bad, I quietly brew

It started with a morning bright

A face, a whisper, those eyes like night

And lightning struck me as I stared

But at that point I hardly cared.

The years ahead, were filled with light

My life reduced, to one desire

I floated in those pools of flames

they called them eyes, I called them fire.

And then one day the sky grew dark

The face was gone, the eyes were shut

The lightning left an ugly mark

A sinking feeling, Deep in my gut

The years that came, I won't regret

They broke me down and built me new

The pools of flame were now a threat

The fires out and darkness grew

And here I am, in a pitch dark room

A different man, a different heart

The stones of wisdom in my hands

Trying hard to light, another spark!!